Tired Mom Diary – Chapter 6 – Do You Want Sex or Do You Want Me to Remember Tomorrow?
Halloween is a beautiful holiday.
Children dress up, eat candy, and scream.
So basically a regular Saturday, but with decorations.
Nora wanted to be a vampire princess.
Not a vampire.
Not a princess.
Both.
She explained this like I was the unreasonable one.
Ben bought the costume. It came with a cape, plastic teeth, and a crown.
I was suspicious.
No sewing? No glue gun? No emergency trip to Walmart?
Apparently, costumes can just be purchased.
Who knew.
At 5:30, Nora announced she wouldn’t wear the teeth.
“They feel weird.”
“Then don’t wear them.”
“But then I’m not a vampire.”
“You’re wearing a cape.”
“That’s a princess cape.”
Ben looked at me.
I looked at Ben.
We’d been parents for six years.
Neither of us had the qualifications for this conversation.
Eventually, she went trick-or-treating without the teeth.
She told everyone she was a vampire princess who’d already eaten.
Fair enough.
At 8:47 p.m., Nora was asleep.
Or pretending.
We confiscated the candy.
For safety reasons.
I ate three mini chocolate bars while sorting them.
Ben ate four.
We agreed she had too much sugar.
Then we ate more of it.
Marriage is about shared values.
At 9:30, Ben came downstairs after his shower.
Grey sweatpants. No shirt.
I looked up.
We’ve been together long enough that I know exactly what those sweatpants mean.
Unfortunately, so does he.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
He leaned against the kitchen counter.
“Busy?”
“Very.”
I was putting candy into a bowl.
He took the bowl out of my hands.
“Problem solved.”
Then he kissed me.
A proper kiss.
Not the goodbye-in-the-hallway kind.
The kind that reminds you why you married someone who leaves socks beside the laundry basket instead of in it.
I kissed him back.
I was absolutely interested.
Then I remembered the chicken.
“Oh, shit.”
He stopped.
“What?”
“The chicken.”
He looked down.
“I’m going to pretend that’s not a review.”
I laughed.
“No. For tomorrow. It’s in the freezer.”
He stared at me.
“Right now?”
“It needs to thaw.”
“Tomorrow?”
“For tomorrow.”
He put his forehead against mine.
“Do you want sex or do you want me to remember the chicken?”
“Both.”
“That’s not one of the options.”
He took the chicken out.
Put it in the fridge.
Came back.
“Anything else?”
I thought about it.
“Did you sign Nora’s reading log?”
“Yes.”
“Did you put the recycling out?”
“Yes.”
“Did you -“
He kissed me again.
I forgot the third question.
For a moment, I felt like a woman who didn’t know what day the library books were due.
It was wonderful.
Upstairs, Nora yelled.
“MOM!”
We froze.
“MOM! I NEED WATER!”
Ben called back, “I’ll get it!”
“NO! MOM!”
He looked at me.
“Apparently, I’m not qualified to operate a tap.”
I started to get up.
He put a hand on my knee.
“Stay.”
He went upstairs.
There was a negotiation.
A long one.
I heard the words wrong cup.
Then silence.
Then footsteps.
Ben came back.
“She wanted the purple one.”
“Of course.”
“It was in the dishwasher.”
“Of course.”
“I gave her the green one.”
I waited.
“She survived.”
I was impressed.
Again, ridiculous.
We made it to bed.
I’ll spare you the details.
Not because there aren’t any.
Because some things in this house are still mine.
Afterward, Ben fell asleep in approximately fourteen seconds.
I lay there looking at the ceiling.
Happy.
Warm.
Very much in love with my husband.
Then I remembered Nora needed a clean gym shirt on Monday.
I considered getting up.
I didn’t.
I was growing as a person.
Seven minutes later, I got up.
The gym shirt was in the dryer.
I folded it.
Put it on the chair beside her bed.
Then I went back to mine.
Ben was asleep on my pillow.
I moved him.
He didn’t wake up.
I love that man.
Sometimes I want to shake him.
Sometimes I want to climb him like a tree.
Tonight, apparently, I wanted all two.
THINGS I LEARNED THIS HALLOWEEN
A vampire princess can exist without teeth.
Mini chocolate bars don’t count if you’re standing in the kitchen.
My husband is still extremely attractive.
The chicken will thaw without my personal supervision.
And apparently, I can have sex and still remember the laundry.
I would prefer not to be this talented.